What I am, besides my name for the ‘who-ness’, becomes the most difficult question to answer, if people are not asking about the occupation. As a gay man, I have doubted myself whether I am qualified as a ‘man’ – not because of my sexual orientation but gender performativity, but now, I even started to question, again, if I am qualified as a ‘gay’.
People say it may be more fluid of their identities when they are young, but this does not apply to me. Oddly, as growing older and older, I have been becoming a lot confused than when I was young – absorbing everything that people taught me about who I am.
I always consider myself as ‘gay’ since I was very little, and I even came out to almost everyone that I feel comfortable with. I told people, I am gay. But one day, I could not help but ask, ‘what does gay even mean’. It means homosexual – people who are ‘sexually’ attracted by those who are of the same sex. This sounds making sense, because I surfed on internet, looking for and fantasising male pornographies rather than female ones. Thus, I completely accepted this concept and embraced – and even fought for – such an identity.
